equations and magic

I have never really been in a position quite like this. Honestly, I’m really tired of it. I know that I’m not supposed to be in control and I know that I’m supposed to trust God and I know that he’ll take care of me and all of that. But, I am really tired of being completely in the dark. Of being pulled one way and then the opposite way on a daily basis.

It’s so easy for me to think like this: Once I trust God enough, once I let go enough, once I release it to Him...THEN I’ll know my answers. I’ve heard my fair share of sermons like that, and I’ve heard enough testimonials like that to know that it is a popular thought. It might not be all wrong. God does desire our deepest trust, and he does want us to surrender control of our lives to him. I do believe that. I don’t believe that we are capable of it on our own. If we are then the question becomes, how much is enough? How much trust is enough trust? How much letting go is enough? It turns into an equation: Enough trust + enough surrender = revealing of God’s will, giving of my answers, etc. We are not waiting for the magical combination of trust and dependence to click and then God will wave his wand and the problem will be fixed.

Frankly, I think it is quite selfish of me to believe that God accomplishing his will in my life and in the world depends on how much I trust him. I don’t believe that God needs anything from me. Desire deeply? Yes. Need? No. Though he does want me to trust him, and he may be teaching me how to trust him more (he most certainly is!), I don’t believe he is holding me in suspense and in limbo waiting for the lesson to finally sink in before he plops me down in the center of his will.

So, if I am not waiting for a balanced equation or a magical combination, where does that leave me? On my knees. Praying for God’s Spirit to work in me, to comfort me, to lead me, to give me joy in the midst of uncertainty.